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Monday, June 10, 2013
The Calling of Directions
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Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Travels on a Finno-Ugric drum journey
The scent of burning sage signals the opening of ritual space.
Small bells circle, gently breaking up energy. As the drum stick swishes across the reindeer skin stretched over the frame, sussuring sounds spiral outward.
Soon, the drum begins its song, and she is sent on her journey into a tunnel of darkness.
As the beat of the drum vibrates through her, different animals' faces appear one by one before her closed eyes. Squirrel. Blue Jay. Crow. Rabbit. Deer. Dog. Moose. Raccoon. Mole. Bee. Wasp. Butterfly. Mouse...no, it was too big. Was it Rat? No, it was Mouse. Mouse! she wondered incredulously, was Mouse to be her Spirit Animal?
No. Suddenly Ilves appeared.
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His large yellow eyes loomed before her, staring into her soul.
Suddenly, she was on the back of Ilves, the large huntress. The cat ran through the back woods. It was night, winter, snow covered the ground. Ilves ran powerfully through the dark woods, snaking through the trees, comfortable in its territory. Running, running. The dark night sky, a canopy of indigo overhead, was filled with glittering stars that glinted back from the snow fields. Running, running. Flying past snow covered trees. Flying over snow encrusted ground.
Suddenly, she was sucked into a small hole in the earth, pulled down a vortex, her arms and hands last, waving. The lovi had opened up, sending her deeper on her journey.
She found herself under the earth, swimming amongst the tangled roots of trees, of the birches, poplars, balsams and black spruce above. She pushed the roots aside, swimming through their tentacles. She was unimpeded. Her arms were strong, her hair long, weaving smoothly through the tendrils of roots. She swam and swam.
She entered deep indigo blue water, dark blue like the sky above. She was swimming deep along the bottom of Lake Superior. The place where silence was born.
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A large sturgeon floated by.
A white door opened to the right, a ghostly portal beckoning her. Light emanates from it, pulsing soft rays of haunting enticement. She swam through the watery portal, passing through it.
She found herself on a cliff. But now she is Ilves. Her hands are large powerful paws and she is running in the forest, along the edge of a high cliff. She runs and runs. Her energy is boundless.
There is a large valley below. She stops to bask in the sunlight, curls up on the edge of the cliff. It is a sunny day, spring. All seems calm and fresh. Then, she is told to fly off the cliff.
She jumps. She sails, soars through the sky. She lands on all fours on the earth in the forest. She is on a canyon floor. She starts to dig and dig. The earth is black, soft and rich with decay. The scent of decomposing earth fills the air.
She finds a bone, one bone. It is not big. She digs and digs. She finds some pages. They are loose; they flutter in the wind. Then, her digging done, she leaps and flies straight up into the sky.
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It is is night again, indigo blue, the sky covered in stars. She is a woman again. She is floating on her back, streaming through the night sky as if floating downstream in a river. She floats and floats, restful like a baby calmed by a warm bath until she lands by a big rock at the shore of a lake.
She climbs up on the rock and sits and looks across the water. It is Midsummer Day. The waves lap softly. The sun is warm. The air is calm.
She stands up. She is naked.
Monday, November 5, 2012
cats in a window
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Jesus the Bear?
Thursday, July 26, 2012
FinnThunder play: Old Woman & the Barefoot Maiden
The inspiration for the Suvi summer woman who ends our play was this old book that I once found at a Finlandia Club rummage sale. It's a book of poetry from the 1940s in Finnish. The poems are wonderful old poems, all dedicated to nature, to the lakes, rivers, sky, clouds, flowers, fields, and cliffs. The book cost me either 10c or 25c. Suvi means summer, the heart of summer. I laid the book in my bed of thyme and doesn't she look pretty there!
Sunday, April 15, 2012
rattle in Finnish is helistin
This one doesn't seem worth saving, however. Under the Algoma St. bridge, I saw white supremacist graffiti and swastikas painted on the concrete walls.
Mostly likely, city workers will come out in the morning and paint over it. I saw a black squirrel that had no fur at all on its chest and upper back area, so it looked like it was wearing a vest. With its skin exposed like that, it looked even more like the rodent it is. I saw a pair of ladies thong underwear tossed over the overpass and a used baby diaper, and a whole lot of other unsightly garbage. Down at the water front I had to walk all the way around the paddling pond to pull out of the rocks a huge piece of unsightly plastic that was ruining the symmetry of the photo I wanted to take of the red dogwood.
I saw a pair of blue-winged teal, a male and female. I saw many beautiful reflections down by the waterfront, before the wind suddenly flew in.
I saw two of my friends out jogging and we stopped and chatted. I saw a man I had never met before but we also stopped and chatted about the so-called development of the waterfront. I saw an old white man with big brown liver spots on his face, walking preoccupied. I said, look! See those three goldeneyes? There are two males and one female. Both males are dancing their mating dance and calling out to the female duck, who is swimming non-plussed between them. He looked up and continued on his way.
Behind the Spirit Garden, I saw some coloured tinsel streamers thrown out on the ground. First, I walked by them, saying to myself, stupid people. But then I decided to tie a few to a dried goldenrod. Before long, I had picked up most of them and tied them on. This was right when the wind picked up, so the streamers were dancing in the wind. It reminded me of the rattle I am making--or maybe the rattle was calling me.
I am almost finished my rattle. The women at ONWA had invited me to join them for their rattle-making workshop. I have to go back this week and pick it up because it was drying.
After I tied the shiny streamers of somebody's garbage onto the dead goldenrod, I headed back home. Before I crossed the train tracks, on the ground, I found two long soft beautiful feathers, one copper, one black. They were attached together with a small piece of metal that had a hole in it. I picked it up off the ground. Perfect! Just what I need for my rattle.
Friday, September 30, 2011
divorcing the digital
Hello readers, I apologize for my absence over the months. The reasons are, of course, many as reasons tend to be for each of us and our complex lives. Our lives don't fit into a tweet, although some people do twitter away their lives in little parcels of words, sending them out like a message in the bottle, hoping someone will respond.
Sometimes I divorce myself from parts of myself that seem undivorceable, like divorcing myself from having anything to do with Finnishness. That's those times when I bear witness to and get angry at the narrow-mindedness, racism, and evangelical fervor that closes ranks rather than opening doors. But how is it possible for me to divorce my Finnish 'part'? Of course, it's not, so I always come back.
Anyway, there it is in the mirror, that Finnish part of me lurking behind my increasingly slanting brows whether I decide to divorce it or not.
I sometimes divorce myself from the Arab or Muslim part of my extended identity (for readers of my blog, you will know that I am neither by descent but both by marriage, children, family, and home(s)). That's when I am challenged to re-think and look deep within myself for the Westcentric--and Christian (even though I divorced myself from my Christian upbringing a long time ago)--ideas that hide in my brain like glass shards even though I have done my best to get rid of them. Maybe it's like Kai and the glass splinter in his eye that he can't get out. It just traveled there and so he has to go on a journey, a difficult one, to remove the icy splinter. So it's those times when my Finnish Canadian upbringing gets exposed for the upbringing that it is: Finnish immigrant and Canadian. Need I say more?
And sometimes I divorce myself from being married...actually, I think I've done that a few times over the years. But I have always come back. Sometimes I divorce myself from the university and its increasingly consuming bureaucracy and my fears of being swallowed by "the system" and ending up becoming one of the professors that I was so critical of when I was a student. The ones who lost their creativity and only talk about other people's creativity. The ones who don't do any social activism or justice work but talk about what an important thing it is to do. Whole conferences are devoted to that. And, there are the ones who teach their students about class, sex, and sexuality, but race/racialization is always the ampersand problem.
And sometimes I divorce myself from motherhood, from being a mother. Sometime I wonder if I have indeed done the best I could or was I too busy with my work and my own pursuits? But divorcing motherhood is, of course, impossible because I cannot return to a nullipara womb--and there are those three adult children whose bodily presence speaks of the motherwork I did, moving in and out of my everyday life.
These past months I simply divorced my digital identity. I had had enough of digital existence. It was hounding me everywhere. I couldn't escape it. I felt consumed by it. So, my blog fell into the ditch of neglect. I saw it lying there, an orange icon staring back from my toolbar. But I just left it alone. It neither called me to come and play, nor did it incite me to put on my grammar gloves and punch out my latest rant and rage.Who knows why people come back? Maybe it's because it is part of who they are and they simply can't get rid of it--whatever that 'it' is-- even if they want to.
Monday, May 30, 2011
I ain't lost, just wandering
Sometimes, I wake up and say to myself, should I go on my walk this morning? I hem and haw. I don't feel too inspired. Sometimes, all the work that I have to do that day will run through my mind, filling every corner, and I haven't even popped my feet out of the bed. If it's past 8 am, alarm bells ring in my work ethic conditioned DNA; I feel anxiety.
OMG, it's late. Get moving! I've got lots of work to do. OK, think. Think. WhatdoIhavetodotoday?
But those mornings when life feels so uninspiring are exactly those times when I need to continue with my routine. With the pattern of my days. And, without fail, some message will cross my heart. Arrive at my doorstep. Or my pedal. Like the other day, when I was pedalling to a meeting with a satchel of notes and printouts, I heard the call of ...a loon? What? There isn't even any water close by. Sure enough, when I stopped my bike to look up into the sky, a loon flew straight over my head, flying due east to Lake Superior, calling out his arrival.
This afternoon, I first thought I saw snow falling outside the dining room window -- which is not improbable right now as we've had some up and down weather, with frosts at night. A snow flurry now? What the....But when I stepped into the porch to get a better look, a squall, not of snow flakes, but of flower petals filled the air. A northeast wind was whipping the flower petals off our neighbour's 60 year old plum tree. The petals had been released into another dance, once closer to death.
Adele. Hometown Glory
I've been walking in the same way, as I did,
Missing out the cracks in the pavement,
And tutting my heel and strutting my feet,
"Is there anything I can do for you dear, is there anyone I could call?
No and thank you please madam, I ain't lost, just wandering.."
Round my hometown, memories are fresh,
Round my hometown, ooh the people I've met,
Are the wonders of my world, Are the wonders of my world,
Are the wonders of this world, are the wonders and now,
I like it in the city when the air is so thick, and opaque,
I love it to see everybody in short skirts, shorts and shades,
I like it in the city when two worlds collide,
You get the people and the government,
Everybody taking different sides.
Shows that we ain't gonna stand shit,
Shows that we are united,
Shows that we ain't gonna take it,
Shows that we ain't gonna stand shit,
Shows that we are united,
Round my hometown, memories are fresh,
Round my hometown, ooh the people I've met,
Are the wonders of my world, Are the wonders of my world,
Are the wonders of this world, are the wonders,
Of my world, of my world, yeah, of my world, of my world yeah.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
a Magnolia bandit in my yard
A bandit wearing a black mask surprised me on Queen Victoria's Birthday! As I wasn't expecting to find him there on my back deck when I looked out the back door window, he startled me. But I think I startled him, too. From behind the hops and the yellow dogwood, he just suddenly appeared on the railing. He looked right at me and then left like a shot. But he was there long enough for me to get a good look at him so I would be sure to ID him. And, the black mask was a dead giveaway. There aren't many who wear black masks, that I knew.I had gone into the back porch after setting the dining room table with four of my Royal Standard MADE IN ENGLAND bone china coffee cups and saucers with the small blue forget-me-not pattern that my mother gave me for my birthday once years ago (maybe my 40th?). I had already brewed a pot of loose leaf Twinings CLASSICS EARL GREY TEA, and it was almost 4 pm. -- time for royal tea in honour of Queen Victoria.
What else to do on a rainy holiday Monday afternoon but take up a bit of silliness? Of course, if you are a regular reader of my blog you will know that I am not a monarchist, so celebrating a Queen's birthday, a colonial queen to boot, is not exactly a regular habit of mine.
But Monday being the second day of steady grey, drizzly rain, and chilly weather on a long weekend meant to signal the start of summer, and Monday being what in Canada is called Victoria Day in honour of Queen Victoria, and as every now and then I have to do something silly in order to stay sane, I decided to have some British tea (i.e. one of the crops its colonized) in British fine china cups (did they appropriate the process of china, too?) with a slice of cake at 4 pm in the afternoon. I had some willing accomplices: one of my friends, one of my sisters, and my only husband. They were all game for the tea party, albeit some of them (e.g. my husband) more of a a captive audience than a willing participant.
I was so excited when I saw the little bandit! I had never seen him before, not in the city, not in the woods, not on a trail, nor in the neighbourhood. So I did not know his name, but I looked him up and sure enough, there he was. I had no idea if he'd been in my yard before. But he was gorgeous! I just had time to note the black mask across his eyes and his beautiful yellow breast streaked in black. And that he was no bigger than a tea cup!
Friday, May 20, 2011
The Blue Purse
The Blue Purse
As she turned away from her screen to tidy the kitchen, an image of the two of them crossed her mind. Razia and Ethel giggling together under the brilliant summer skies of South Africa. Sitting on a patio, no doubt. Wearing cotton, no doubt. Not a turtleneck or tights in sight. Huddled together, laughing out loud. Heads thrown back, then leaning close, the women exchanging intimacies.
"No!”
“Really.”
“Seriously. You’re kidding.”
“No, seriously. And did you know…”
Oh, under an umbrella, for sure. Their own little momentary Shangri-la under the beating down sun of Jo’burg—a bit of which came across the Atlantic this morning alongside the mangoes and soft orange kanakambra blossoms that Jyoti sent in her email.
For a moment, she felt the warmth of the South bounce off the cold choppy waves of the waters in the harbour.
A chill wind blew across the lake right up to her front door. Rarely did a warm southerly winter wind travel across Lake Superior. Often the wind was northwesterly, cold and hard as a grave in November.
The Lady of the Lake wore many garments, from choppy, bottle-green summer waters with waves that lurched and lapped, to deep blue silks flecked with bronze. At times, when She showered passersby with small, perfect crystal balls made of ice, She wore the black shimmering radiance of early winter.
But for three weeks now, only a solid grey coughed up from the shore. Today, only the narrowest band of blue-mauve broke the leaden skies hold on Nanabijou, protector of the silver harbour.
The overcast skies pressed their heavy dark rain clouds into her kitchen, and the rain beat a song of sorrow against her window.
It was one of those days.
It reminded her of the weather in Hanover that summer. A whole summer full of chill cloudy grey days. Days and days of sweaters in summer, umbrellas in schoolbags. She had never experienced such a lack of sunshine—weatherwise, that is, because certainly the warmth radiating from the sunny smiles she saw first thing in the morning lasted ‘til night dropped Her cloak. She wondered at times: how would things have been different if Hanover had had a lake and a beach and hot sun that summer?
Looking out her window, she thought back to the day they had left Austria. Samira, Fatemeh, Poopak and she had traveled by train to Vienna, where they spent three surprisingly sunny days. But the day they returned back to Hanover had started off just like today. The morning of the day they left Vienna, she and Fatemeh, who had been staying at Nagwa's small apartment at the end of the subway line, looked out the window.
It was cold and grey; the sky was cloudy and there was a strong wind. A bend-the-tree-tops kind of wind. But it wasn't raining. Yet. So she and Fatemeh looked at each other and thought, why not? They would head downtown later to meet Samira and Poopak to catch the train back to Hanover. And out they went, walking briskly arm in arm, along the rushing waters and the rustling leaves. The further they walked the more silent they became.
They strode, matching step to step. They found themselves walking along a canal of the Danube.
Suddenly, the urge to sing came upon them. Fatemeh pleaded, sing the laundry song!
"My laundry song, now?"
Yes, you said, you wanted to memorize the words and the tune and keep it in your heart for when you got back to Iran and found yourself walking alone on a downcast day. You took out your little leatherbound notebook and scribbled down the words as we sang.
"The river is flowing,
rolling and flowing,
The river is flowing
down to the sea
Mother Earth..."
"Mother Earth?"
“Yes, Mother Earth…
Mother Earth, carry me,
your child I’ll always be,
Mother Earth, carry me,
down to the sea…”
By then we’d looped around the path by the canal and reached the end of our time by the water. We crossed the street to the bus stop. As we hurried to the shelter, heavy drops of rain began to warn us of the day ahead.
A small woman, her silver grey hair neatly coiffed under a dark blue hat, stood at the other end of the bus shelter. She, too, was waiting to catch the morning bus. She was off to church, as it looked like she had her good coat on and she was wearing her good shoes and carrying her good purse. And it was Sunday. And it was early morning.
Fatemeh and I huddled together in the corner of the bus shelter, leaning close together, heads touching, whispering our song so that Fatemeh could press the tune into a corner of her mind.
Our whisperings carried above the rush of the wind, over the beat of the rain spangling the glass. I turned to the old woman in blue and said, "I hope we're not bothering you. Don’t mind us. We're just enjoying our last morning here in Vienna, despite the wind and the clouds and the rain. We're unexpectedly happy. We’re singing a song together. It’s a simple song, actually. It’s a song about the River."
"Oh no, girls. Please," she answered in delicately accented English, smiling warmly, eager for the smiles of strangers to break the grey hold of the morning. "Please, go ahead. I don't mind. Truly, you sound lovely. I was enjoying the sound of you girls singing. Don't mind me. Please,” she said, placing both her gloved hands on the clasp of her blue purse. “I was thinking to myself, how nice to hear two young women singing together on a rainy Sunday morning.”
Waving her purse in our direction and stepping away from us, she pleaded, “Please, girls. Don’t mind me. Keep singing.”
















